8/1/2010
Today Is the day, I started Writing this dairy, as there is no one I can talk.. People that will listen is gone, I wanted to meet jesmonnd to have a chat, but after knowing that I don’t have the money to return him, he didn’t want to me.. So all is just money… 4years of dreaming… Everything Seems to Fade, Everything that we been through seems like a dream, 4Years Of Dreaming.. Trying My Best To Save It, But There Is Nothing I Can Do Am I Wrong In The Beginning.. There Is Nobody To Pull Me Up, When I fall... I had a scolding from my dad because of Cso and appointment with my probation officer, I thought he understand, I have been not going out for so long just to save money for the family, as I know he is working very hard to maintain, everything just blame me… I already don’t ask for extra money, been starving for days just to buy some daily items for myself… Then why don’t he blame mum, every fucking day also go out till so late, it has been routine to go overnight with friend..
That is what she told ask, as if I believe..
I didn’t even go out for new year and Christmas… Just to cut down cost..
Doing things which is against the law to support the family so that you don’t need to work so hard..
Got more for yourself to spend over there.. You all just say that I am not mature to think for myself..
I tried my best to help..
I am really very fucking tired of this fucking life, You say that if I am gone, just take as I don’t exist…
Then fine, I don’t need you, Don’t need this family, I don’t need anybody to survive.. Cause to me, I have nobody by my side for a very long time…
I have no more family. I have no more brothers, I have no more friends..
There is no place I belong, There is no one there for me when I fall, There is nothing…
This family seems like have everything, but actually there is nothing, just a shelter for me to stay..
Everything seems like a dream to me again..
There is no one that I can trust, No one I can believe..
I don’t need people to hold me when I fall. I will never fall again….
Even if I fall, I will stand back up myself..
I will be strongest among you all, And pursue dreams that is out of sight from you all..
I am tbe cbampion, born to be one..
I will do things which I think is right..
Money is so important for you my brothers, then I will use this to control and let you all fall till there is no way to get back up..
People that do me wrong, will not escape..
There is nothing but hatred inside my heart.
Fuck the Universe, Let the game start from today onwards
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Heading:19/01/2011
I am lost. I want to be forever in my own world.. I will never come back to reality.
It seems like no matter what I do, I am in the wrong..
It seems like no matter what I do, I am blamed..
It seems like no matter what I do, I am scolded..
Dad say I always stay at home, Do nothing. Don’t grow up..
Mum only know how complain me say I don't do the things that they want me to do..
Grandma say I say I don't go for reporting, always doing wrong things again, always make her upset..
Brother say I am doing the wrong thing, then leave without I knowing what is the reasons. They left me there on my own..
Everything is my fault, Everything is I also I am in the wrong..
Why nobody can see I am really trying..
I am always bad always disobey, always making them upset, but why nobody can feel and understand how I feel.. How Heartbroken to hear those words...
Yes, I admit, I am bad before, but why you all insist I am still bad, why can't you all see I am changing? I am cherish you all.. Dad and Mum, I want you all be back together, I really wish to see that, I know you all care, so I give a chance for you all to start fresh with me, trying to communicate, trying to understand you all, trying to listen to what you all say.. But what do I get? Blaming, Scolding, every single word you all say hurt me, it really broke my heart, you all don't say anything, I also don't mind, But why have to blame me, why say that I don't do anything, always stay at home, then don't change...
Grandma also called, say I don't go for my reporting, Mum also say I don't go for my reporting, then now po say he will report it to mcys for my court review, so maybe I can't stay in my probation... They say I always make them upset...
I didn't go for probation, because my muscle ache likes hell, but do you all know? Don't even bother to ask, and then blame me. You know how heartbroken when I hear you all say that I always making you all upset, and don't bother to change… Say I always say at home do nothing, but the way I spend my money, I will need to ask for extra money to go out, that why I keep staying at home at least, I don't need to ask for extra money, cause I know that you are working very hard to earn money to support the family, and with all this hard work, it just manage to just nice for all the expenditure in the family.. There is no savings left as all the money must put back into mum accounts…
I cried a lot, I really thought that you all understand me, and cared about how I feel and try to understand me, I don't care mum understand a not but at least grandma and dad, I thought you two understands me quite much, but I was so fucking upset and disappointed to hear those words coming from your mouth, I am trying so hard to help the family, why can't you see that... I lost my freedom… Just trying to save some extra money at least, so that dad you don't need to feel handle so much pressure, and
My brother and sister will at least get enough… And mum does’t’t’t’t’t need to save money, as long as I don't spend extra money... I Go do things that I already know is breaking the law, to earn some money to support the family if possible or at least support me so that I don't to always ask money from mum…
I don't to be a burden to this family; I know I must play my part as the eldest in the family... So even I
Have to risk my whole life if I get caught, I also must… Why I do all those things, as there is nothing I can do to help, I am really upset dad, that you always have to be overseas to earn the money so that its is enough for the family, and working so hard, It really hurts me to see that, Is my fault, if I am not so naughty, you and mum might not argue about why I have turn this way.. I really don't want to have a broken family and I don't want Arron and Winnie to have this type of family, I really tried... Really… Really tried my best to change and help out the family. Mum now always go out late, and I tried to talk and say her, stay up late until she return, go out and find her, but nothing seems to be working.. I know that she is lying and is not just friends, but there is nothing I can do, I already tried my best, I don't wish to see that mum has another lover or being unfaithful to you, dad. I don't want anything to change, that why I trying my best to maintain the family…
I give up my studies cause I know already know that you don't that extra money to pay for my studies, if the take out that money, there won't be enough to pay to the bills, and it won't be enough to support arron and winnie normal day expenditure, in the end it will just add into your burden, you will do bank loan again, I don't want.. The Divorce already lost all the savings that you earn overseas and still to get a bank loan then can maintain house by giving back mum the money... I know you are doing everything you can, but I don't want you to feel that is you owe me, I never thought of asking back anything for the things I doing now or sacrifices that I did, I don't want anything back, I just wish to have your care and concern, that’s all.. I just wish to have is you all understanding me, know what I'm thinking, care about me and show me concern, somebody that I can talk to and can understand me..
Is it too much to ask for?? Don't try to understand also nvm, but why must blame me, why must say those hurtful words… I already trying my best to help the family, but you all just say I don't change, keep making you all upset, so that is what I gain for trying my best, you all don't even try to see or find out the reasons, I am just a disappointment...
After all this time, I thought you all understand and cares how I feel, I was wrong,
In you all the eyes, I always that bad, I am just a disappointment… No matter how much I try, it won't change… Even though I look strong outside but deep inside I just wish to be loved like normal family, care about me, concern about me, understand about me, give me support, pull me up when I fall, someone I can talk to if I have things in my mind, listen about what I have to say and guide me.. I don't want to be strong, I want you all to protect and support me... I trying to talk to mum, about what I'm thinking, but she don't have the time to really listen to what I say, every time I got things in my mind, and tried to talk to her either she is not at home or going to work or out. Grandma and grandfather, getting older, I don’t want them to worry, and grandfather health is not very good recently, it hurts me to see him getting slimmer and less energetic every single day... I can't be so selfish to let them worry about me anymore… There is nobody I can share my problems with… All the things are kept inside me, since I was young till now… I thought that I can give a chance so that we can start fresh so that I can communicate and let you all understand me, but I was wrong, nobody understand what I am thinking and how I feel…
There won't be a second chance already… My heart has already let you all break it again…
Leong Soy Kee, my beloved aunty, used to share with her my problems, she was always there for me, and she will understand how I feel, and guide me and support, she was there when I was down, She pull me up and when I fall, she don’t blame me or scold me, she trust and believe in me, and bother to listen to what I have to say.. She knows and care about my feelings, she change me with her unconditional love… I really miss her and lost without her… She left me, I feel lonely, I love her, why you have to leave, I really need you, I am nothing without you… Until now then I realized, the person
That really love me is gone, there won’t be anymore, my heart has died, I cannot allow anybody to hurt me again… Is too much, dreams shattered again and again… I really nothing without you, Aunty, I lost my directions, Don't know who I can trust, Nobody to share my problems.. I should have know that when you left, I was already dead, after so long then I realized, I am just chasing a dream that never will come true.. After you are gone, I don’t know what to do anymore, there is nobody to support and Guide me… I just keeping talking to sky at night, wishing you can hear me… Wishing you can grab my hand and pull me up, Give me your love and support… I don’t know whether you can hear it a not, but I cannot feel anything, please grab me, and please teach me what I should do now… What am I without you by my side…? I lost my life, I lost my Dreams, I lost the goals, I lost myself, Without your love and support, I am as good as dead.. I can see it now… Now I Don't know what I should do in my life, What dreams should I chase, what goal should I aim for..
Am I doing the right thing or the wrong thing? Can you tell me? Can somebody tell me? AnybodY out there?
I really in pain now, but nobody can see, all they can see or feel, they only can feel their own feelings, only can see the surface… I keeping all those things inside me now, cause I don’t want to upset anybody anymore... I don’t want because of me they are affected… I don’t want to be a burden to my family, No matter how much I have tried, How hard I tried, I will still be not good enough, to deserve your love and care..
LSK, I miss you, I love you… Please Grab My Hand, I don’t want to be heartbroken or suffer anymore… I don't want people to be upset because of me, I am already a burden to my family.
And the most important of all, I don’t want to make baby to be upset also, I don’t want her to upset because it hurts me more to see her being upset, I didn’t want her to see me cry, cause she will be upset too, she has to go school and her court case, I don’t want to affect her, just let her be with her friends and enjoy herself, I failed as her bf already, I am too selfish if I still make her upset with me... I don’t deserve her, she should be loved and care, and be happy, not upset… I can't bring any happiness to her... Baby should be feeling that my feelings for her have faded and I am not the same loving bf… I can see it from her face, but I had to hide my feelings, because my life no longer has dreams and goals… I don’t even know what I want in life, what I should do… I am lost, without any direction, I don’t know who am I anymore, I know that I cannot let her be with me, I cannot make her upset, She is the one I loved in this life, She is my all my strength and support... Even I know I must let her go and find a better person, have her life back, have her friends, but is so hard to let her go, one day without seeing her is like a torture, how I wish she will come find me early in the morning, and sleep by me.. How I wish I could be with her every single moment, without her, it seems like my heart is missing, I really miss her and all those times that we been through, all those sweet memories, but every time I see her eyes, I can see that she is upset, then all those hugs and kisses and all those words, I will keep it inside my heart, it hurts like hell, but I think is because of me that why she will be upset, I cannot show her what I feel... She feels upset that I am not the same, but she does’t know that I feel even more upset to hide all those feelings inside me… She has the right to choose again, choose a person that is not like me, and only brings upset to her, because of my own reasons... Baby you thought that you feel heartbroken and feel that you want to leave because I don’t love you like before, but you are wrong, I am more heartbroken then you, I so want to hold you and never you go, but I only keep all those things in my heart and see you disappointed and leave me, standing at the door there looking at you step by step, moving out of my reach and out of sight, every time I really just want to run over and hug you, and never let you go, but I know you got the rights to choose again, to choose whether you want to be with somebody like me,
are you really not going to leave me, That day night, I suddenly text her, tell to her be with me forever, as my feelings
Burst out; manage to hide it again… Baby, I really want to tell you I love you, and hug you tight in arms, with your embrace… Even though I want you to leave me and choose again carefully, but I am really scared that I will lose you and you will not pick me... I also don't have anybody except you already, if you also gone; there is nothing left and no meaning for me to be around anymore… You are the only reasons now and my only strength to help me stand up again…Give me sometime baby k!!
Let me know what is my reasons for living and what are my dreams that I should chase, after that I will love you till the max, hope you can understand, I must give you happiness and a good life. And now I don’t even know what is my goals in life, I don’t want to destroy your future, that why I only hide my feelings so that you don’t fall any deeper… All I need is your support, and time, if you can wait means to say you no matter how I treat you or no matter how long you must wait, your love for me is unconditional… So baby please wait for me, stay by me and support me..
Incase if you really leave me, I will still be Guardian angel, Still forever guarding you by your side, no matter where I go, when you are sad just talk to the stars, I can hear you… That what all those older people say…
Don't worry k, Muacks… Cheer up… Be happy, I love you.
ILOVEYOUYEOTINGJUN
JASONKONGYINGJIE REALLY REALLY REALLY LOVE YEOTINGJUN
Baby just wait, I don’t want you to know and be upset…
Give me sometime to set back my direction in my life…
20/1/2010
Not Matter How Hard I tried, its not appreciated, never good enough…
All I wanted is to have somebody to talk to and will listen what I am thinking…
Guide me and show me some family warmth, is it too much to ask for?? Dad and Mum, Grandma is it so hard just to understand me, Dad and Mum, Is it so hard to ask just a little bit of love? That is the thing I want you all to provide me… Love me, care about me and support me? Why I cannot have? Why I can't feel it? Why just know how to blame me for everything, and saying all those words… Dad I tell you why I did’t’t really talk and say anything during our last webcam, I just keep quiet… Because I know if I say any words now, I will cry out… I just went to room and cried the whole night... This family seems like it has everything, But I slowly found out that it actually don’t have anything… Slowly the house seems like just a shelter… Forget it, I don't want to carry on disappointing you all and become a burden...
If reality is so painful, I rather lose myself in my own world and never come back to the reality, From now on, JasonKongYingJie (I really love and care about you all, but I just don’t know how show it out to other than, try helping out the family...I really tried my best le, I am sorry...
Sorry I cannot stand the pain anymore, take care everybody… I just want to hide in my world and never come back reality…
I let my pure character to control my body… And I will leave this family… Dad you say that you don’t care if I am gone, you say just take it as you has one lesser son… Then just take it as I don’t exist…
Just take it that I am the one the always causing troubles for you all, maybe without me; things will be better for the family
Quiting in process but now its seems like is the best solution to to cure..
I am changing my now conscious mind to sub-conscious…
And letting my sub-conscious mind take over...
Still deciding..
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21/1/2010
Today never write, maybe is your turn to write..
Write on paper then show me.
 
